Help, I don't want to make love anymore!
Libido corresponds to sexual desire. It is the urge to make love, the urge that arises, physically and mentally, to engage in sexual behavior. It manifests itself by thoughts, a feeling of heat in the lower abdomen and in the genitals, or even, sometimes, by an erection in men and lubrication of the vagina in women. While libido may be omnipresent in some people, it may be non-existent or fluctuating in others. For various reasons, psychological and/or pathological, it is possible that your libido drops and you no longer feel the desire to make love. In this article, we discover together the reasons why you may no longer feel the urge to make love and how to find it again , if that's what you want.
Loss of libido or asexuality?
Before starting this article on loss of libido and lack of sexual desire, we wanted to spend a few paragraphs on asexuality and the fact that it can be normal not to want to do sex. love.
Is it normal to not want to make love?
We have already had the opportunity to write it and affirm it in several of our articles: when it comes to sexuality, there is no standard . We are all different. There is therefore not just one way to live and feel one's sexuality.
Because sexuality is linked to multiple factors – physical, emotional, cultural – it is extremely fragile and subject to change. It is thus completely possible to:
- never want to make love
- not wanting to make love with a stranger
- not wanting to make love for a given period of time
- want to make love often
- want to make love daily
None of these situations are abnormal. Abnormality only begins when you feel that you are forcing yourself and doing it for someone else.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction . An asexual person (also called “Ace”) feels no sexual attraction. So, just as a heterosexual does not feel sexual attraction for a person of the same sex, an asexual person does not feel it for anyone. Also note: asexuality refers to the absence of sexual attraction to others, not the absence of sexual pleasure.
However, just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they never have a relationship, romantic or sexual. Not all asexuals are the same. An asexual person can be in love, they can feel the need for a physical connection, they can feel the need to be in a relationship and to please their partner sexually and they can even have sexual desire for their partner, punctually or according to the partners.
Finally, sexuality being part of the norm of romantic relationships, asexual people may feel uncomfortable in their relationship or force themselves to have sex to please. They can sometimes be unhappy with this situation and want to have more libido to better satisfy their partner.
Asexuality or loss of libido?
Generally speaking, we distinguish asexuality from loss of libido by this simple notion:
- If you used to regularly feel sexual attraction to someone (or several people), and you no longer feel any attraction, ever: it is very possible that you are experiencing a loss of libido;
- If, on the other hand, you never feel attraction, then it is very possible that you are affected by asexuality.
In other words, the term “loss of libido” implies that there has been a libido in the past (for your partner or someone else) – while asexuality implies that you have never really had a sex drive. sexual desire / that sexuality does not really interest you.
It seems important to us here to conclude this part by reminding you that the fact that you are an asexual person or losing libido is not the most important thing : what matters above all are your feelings , your desires and your communication with your partner .
Why do I have a loss of libido?
Libido is a careful balance between physical health, emotional well-being and cultural context. Different factors can affect it, more or less, lastingly. In the section below, we list all the reasons that can lead you to experience a loss of libido and we offer you answers and solutions to combat loss of libido .
Health problems (and associated treatments)
The first reason that can lead to a decrease, or even a complete loss, of libido is the pathological reason. Certain chronic illnesses, such as diabetes, and cardiovascular disease can play a role in loss of libido. Furthermore, the stress caused by knowing you are ill, as well as the medications used to treat various illnesses, can result in loss of libido.
The special case of dyspareunia
Dyspareunia (pain felt before, during and after sexual intercourse) can lead to apprehension about making love or even the complete loss of libido: worried about the idea of suffering, your body stops 'to want. If you suffer when making love (especially during penetration for women but men can also suffer from dyspareunia), it is essential to talk to your healthcare professional and your partner. The first will help you find answers and medical solutions while the second can adapt to your feelings to avoid hurting yourself.
What to do if your health problems impact your libido?
Do you know that you are sick and/or under treatment and you think that this could impact your libido? Do not hesitate to talk to your doctor or specialist about it, telling them that this has an impact on you. You should not be embarrassed by this question. If this is compatible with your health, he may modify your treatment, or look for other solutions.
This point is a corollary of the previous reason because hormonal imbalances can lead to a drop in libido and for good reason: sexual hormones are strongly linked to sexual desire! However, hormonal imbalances can be linked to illnesses, treatments and periods of life.
Many diseases and disorders are linked to hormonal imbalances. This is the case for diseases affecting the thyroid or syndromes such as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. These diseases are characterized by hormonal irregularities that can weaken libido.
If you are a carrier of these diseases, hormonal treatments can allow you to restore your libido, alongside other natural solutions that we talked to you about in this article about PCOS and its treatments . However, this is not miraculous, like an On / Off button, and you may need to be patient. Do not hesitate to talk to your doctor or your endocrinologist (doctor specializing in hormones) to find solutions.
Hormonal treatments, such as hormonal contraception or hormonal injections in the context of medically assisted reproduction or sex reassignment, can cause fluctuations in your libido. This can be one-off (during treatment) or longer term, depending on the person.
If your hormonal treatment tends to impact your libido, do not hesitate to talk to your doctor or endocrinologist. They will be able to offer you alternatives and solutions.
Menstrual cycle: PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, menopause
As women, hormonal fluctuations are our daily life. Whether during the menstrual cycle (as the period approaches and during it), but also during pregnancy, after childbirth or even during menopause, hormonal fluctuations are intense and with them our libido also fluctuates. Not to mention the physical and psychological changes that take place in us during these periods (physical pain – vaginal dryness, abdominal cramps, stress, changes to our body, loss of confidence, etc.). All of these reasons can reduce our libido.
If you experience a loss of your libido linked to your menstrual cycle, do not hesitate to speak to your general practitioner first. For example, he may prescribe contraception or hormonal treatment to reduce your hormonal peaks. A gynecologist and/or an endocrinologist will be able to assist you. Finally, you can turn to a sexologist: specialized in libido, sexual activity and sexual disorders, he can help you understand your physical and psychological blockages.
Mental health problems (and related treatments)
Another reason that can have an effect on your libido is mental health. Poor mental health – stress, mental and physical exhaustion, burnout, anxiety, depression – can have the impact of reducing your interest in sex to nothing. Not to mention drug treatments, which can also act on your sexual desire.
What should you do if your mental health problems impact your libido?
Are you currently being treated for mental health problems and your libido is at an all-time low? If your GP or specialist will not necessarily have a miracle solution, it is important to talk to them about it. It is one symptom among others that must be discussed with them. In addition, if you are under treatment, they may be able to adapt your medical treatment to better support you.
💡 Are you not being followed, you feel bad and your libido is at its lowest? The state of your libido can also be a good indicator that your mental health is not at its best! Consult your GP: he is trained to act against depression and will be able to recommend you to a psychologist to support you.
Bad past experiences
Whether you are a man or a woman, your past romantic and sexual experiences can have a strong influence on your sexual desire. If you have had complicated experiences, or even situations of assault and rape, it is possible that this will have an impact on your sexual desire, even if you are today in a stable situation and comfortable in your life. body and your sexuality.
🚩Just because you've experienced sexual assault doesn't mean your libido will necessarily be at its lowest. We are all different and everyone rebuilds themselves as they can/wish.
What should you do if your past experiences impact your libido?
Do you think your past may have repercussions on your sexuality and sexual desire today? It's possible. To find answers, do not hesitate to consult a doctor and a psychologist. The first will be able to study your situation and verify that no pathological condition is currently affecting your libido. The second will help you respond to the blockages you feel.
Problems within his relationship
When a couple has been together for a while, loss of libido is a fairly common phenomenon. This, for three reasons: routine, lack of physical attraction and the difficulties of the couple.
Routine in the couple
A movie, a restaurant, a hug. Still in bed. Always in the same position. In a couple who have been together for a while, it happens that routine sets in and the libido gradually fades. We make love out of habit more than out of desire, until we lose the habit...
If you feel that your desire to make love is gradually declining, know that it is possible to revive it by trying new things, in your relationship and in your sexuality. For example, traveling is a great way to reinvent yourself. As for the framework of your sexuality, questioning your fantasies, testing new practices or inviting sex toys into your bed can be a good way to revitalize your relationship.
🌈On our shop, we recommend the Let's Talk board game to discuss sex without taboos with your partner. The questions rise crescendo and allow you to better understand your companion's fantasies.
🌈And if you are interested in sex toys, we have selected for you different sexual games and intimate lubricants to break up your couple's routine a little and rediscover the libido from the beginnings of your relationship.
Self-confidence and lack of physical attraction
When we go through several years of living together, it is possible that the physical attraction that we felt for our partner evolves. This is because we evolve and he evolves.
On the one hand, the way we look at ourselves and the confidence we have in ourselves can impact our libido. A person who feels very bad about their body may therefore feel weakened and their libido may suffer.
On the other hand, the years, illnesses, pregnancy or even weight gain/loss can affect the image of our partner to the point that we no longer like him. Since sexual attraction is also linked to the physical attraction that we feel for another, the drop in libido can also be caused by these changes.
Whether your libido is declining due to your self-confidence or your partner's image, it is essential that you do work on yourself, particularly through the help of a mental health professional. Indeed, if you can offer to your partner to take care of him, you cannot impose this approach on him . It's up to you to take stock of your wants and desires and decide what you want for your relationship and yourself.
While we often talk about reconciliation on the pillow, recurring arguments and lack of respect can, for some couples, be a love killer! Indeed, if you can appreciate the insults during the act, being insulted in the afternoon and cuddling in the evening can be more problematic... In other words, if your relationship is struggling , it is possible that this is also the case for your sexuality and your libido.
In this specific case, calling on a couples mediator for couples therapy can be interesting to breathe new life into your relationship and your sexuality. Unfortunately, in some situations, separation is the only solution because the relationship is too damaged to repair: only you know what is going on.
Way of life
Your lifestyle is the last reason that can impact your libido. Bad lifestyle habits – lack of sleep and fatigue++, alcohol and tobacco abuse, living at 300 miles an hour, etc. – have effects on your life and in particular on your libido.
Lack of sleep
Fatigue is one of the enemies of your libido. Tired, you only think about getting back to bed and not necessarily sharing lovely moments with your other half. Not to mention that your body will not be ready to engage in physical activity!
If you feel tired all the time and think that your fatigue has a role on your libido, we can only recommend that you start by questioning your lifestyle habits. Certain periods of your life (such as the arrival of a child, a move or starting a new job) can be conducive to fatigue: in this case, don't panic, everything should be resolved soon. If, on the contrary, nothing justifies your fatigue, consult your doctor: he will be able to carry out tests and perhaps find solutions.
Alcohol or drug abuse
Regular consumption of alcohol, tobacco, cannabis or hard drugs can have the effect of significantly reducing your libido. This is due to the fatigue generated by these drugs in the short term, but also the effects of these drugs on your body and your brain in the long term. Even more, they tend to cut you off from your bodily sensations and can thus suppress your libido.
If you are a regular user of these substances, we recommend that you first contact your doctor. He will be able to help you understand if it is indeed the consumption of these substances which is causing the loss of your libido or if the latter can be linked to other problems mentioned above. If you want to limit or stop consuming these substances, you can then turn to an addictologist: specialized in the treatment of addictions, he will know how to find the words and give you tips to help you gradually move away from these substances.
Overwork, stress, mental load: if your brain is full on a daily basis, it does not have time to connect to your bodily sensations and even less to experience sexual desire. And it may even be worse: you may want to make love but feel that you don't have the time–that you don't have the right!
If these words resonate with you, it's very likely that you're close to implosion... but good news: it's entirely possible that your libido isn't that low after all. We will not tell you, here, to delegate, to say no or any other advice that is generally given to women who are buckling under the mental load. After all, delegating and saying no is already a mental load! Our recommendation? Start by talking to your doctor and your companion about your excess. The first may offer you a stop if he feels it is necessary for your physical and mental health. The second will be able to hear your stress and will be able to support you. If you feel that he is not responding positively to your requests, you can also call on a mediator: presenting your grievances and your limits in front of a third person can help you to make yourself better understood and avoid raising your voice. Finally, unfortunately, in some relationships, separation is the only solution because the relationship is too damaged to be rebalanced: only you know what it is.
FAQ What to do if you lose libido?
Are you or your partner experiencing a loss of libido? We answer the questions you ask yourself in the following section.
My girlfriend no longer wants to make love, what should I do?
Before starting, it is essential to understand that if your partner no longer wants to make love with you at this moment, it is not necessarily against you and against your relationship . As we saw above, there are a lot of reasons that can push your partner to put sex aside (stress, overwork, fatigue, pain, etc.). Understanding this point will help you avoid feeling guilty or stressed.
If you are faced with a lack of libido in your partner, the first thing to do is 1) ask yourself if it bothers you (after all, there is no strict rule regarding the amount of sex you should have and you can both cope very well with the fact of having little contact), 2) to see if she rejects your advances (without forcing obviously!) and 3) to talk to her about it. The idea here is not to put pressure on her (above all, don't make her feel guilty because she may also be suffering from this situation and you don't want to force her!) but to ask her what is going on. pass.
For example, you can ask:
- I feel like we're making love less lately, have you noticed?
- We've been making love a little less lately, when I propose to you, you don't want it: is that okay?
Depending on his answers, you will need to advise. See a professional, reimagine your sex life, open communication, be patient... The solutions are numerous but depend on the reasons.
My boyfriend no longer wants to make love, what should I do?
If your partner no longer wants to have sex with you right now, it's essential that you hear that it's not necessarily because of you or because of your relationship . Despite what society may lead us to think, men are like women: stress and fatigue can affect their libido.
If your partner no longer expresses the need to have sex, start by asking yourself if this bothers you. Women sometimes feel responsible for their partner's sexuality (“if he doesn't have enough sex, he'll look elsewhere”) even though they don't really want sex: do you want it? ?
Then, see if he rejects your advances: it is not because your companion does not express / no longer the desire to make love that he will necessarily refuse to make love with you if you propose to him. Society has taught us that men are demands and women must accept: but you have the right to express your sexual needs, provided, of course, that you don't make him feel guilty.
Finally, talk to him about it, express your fears, ask him if you're okay?
Depending on his answers, you will need to advise. See a professional, reimagine your sex life, open communication, be patient... The solutions are numerous but depend on the reasons.
Should I be concerned about my loss of libido?
Loss of libido is linked to various reasons, which can be pathological, psychological, relational or even environmental. It is therefore not necessarily worrying to have a loss of libido and like any multifactorial problem, it is possible that the more you worry, the more you will suffer from it!
Our advice is as follows: start by consulting a GP to ensure that the problem is not pathological. Putting this hypothesis aside, we recommend that you start by talking about it with your partner (see next question) and consider seeing a psychologist and/or a sexologist to resolve the blockages you are experiencing.
Should I talk about it with my partner?
As the loss of libido is often associated with a lack of desire or problems in your relationship, you may want to discuss with your partner that you are feeling a loss of libido... Indeed, this risks worrying him or her about your relationship.
However, if you don't talk about it even though your relationship is generally good and healthy, your lack of libido risks becoming a topic and a problem.
This is why we recommend that you talk about it with your partner if the situation sets in, lasts and especially if it causes you suffering. However, you will have to be careful not to make your partner feel guilty and not to call into question your relationship and your sexuality by doing so – at the risk of worrying your partner!
If your fatigue, your stress or even your hormonal treatment are the cause of your lack of libido, your partner will be able to understand it and together, you will be able to find solutions to experience your sexuality in a positive way.
Which health professional should I see for my loss of libido?
We talked about it implicitly during this article: there are several health professionals who can support you in the event of loss of libido. You are free to consult them if you feel the need.
The attending physician is your first contact in the event of a physical or mental health problem. Thanks to his generalist training, he can diagnose and treat you or redirect you to a competent specialist. Even more, he knows your health history and can verify that your libido problems are not a symptom of a treatment or a pathology that you have.
Gynecologist / Andrologist
The gynecologist and the andrologist are doctors specializing in the genital organs of women and men. Depending on the issues that cause you to have libido problems (notably dyspareunia, or pain during sexual intercourse), they can support you.
Psychologist / Psychiatrist
The psychologist and the psychiatrist are the doctors specializing in mental health. The first will support you using the levers of psychology, particularly in the context of therapy, while the second can prescribe medication for more serious pathologies.
The sexologist is a new health professional whose work lies between psychology and medicine. He specializes in male and female sexual organs but also in psychology, and will be able to identify your sex-related blockages. However, you will need to pay attention to your qualifications because the paths to access the profession of sexologist are very different!
Can therapy help me if I have libido problems?
Since libido can be linked to psychological and relational problems, therapy, personal and/or as a couple, can prove to be a great solution to address your libido problems. We can only recommend that you meet a professional on this subject to discuss it with them.
How can I stimulate my libido?
Here are 5 tips to stimulate your libido:
To go on holiday
Couples vacations are a great way to boost your libido. By stimulating your curiosity, taking you away from everyday life and also allowing you to rest, they allow you to enjoy your partner in a different way.
Exchange with your partner
Talking with your partner about your fantasies, your desires, what excites you is an excellent way to discover new erotic practices and new desires. Because it's not always easy to open up about these topics, consider purchasing an erotic game to release the tongues.
🌈 On our shop, we recommend the Let's Talk board game to discuss sex without taboos with your partner. The questions rise crescendo and allow you to better understand your companion's fantasies.
We mentioned it earlier in this article: stress, fatigue, overwork are enemies of the libido. To relax and unwind, CBD is a great solution. Consume it as a sublingual oil to de-stress on a daily basis and as a herbal tea before sex to anchor yourself and better welcome your sensations. Setting up a well-being and erotic ritual can be great for creating anticipation and regaining your libido.
As for CBD intimate oil to use as a lubricant, it increases your sexual pleasure tenfold... that might motivate you to try!
Rediscover the pleasure of a “simple” hug
The cuddle, this moment when you curl up against your partner, is a special moment for the couple. Take the time to share cuddles that don't necessarily veer towards sex to maintain the pleasure of cuddling and listen to your body. The libido is not necessarily immediate: it will sometimes take time to develop and a long hug can be conducive to the libido.
Discover sex toys, alone or as a couple
Sex toys bring novelty, both to your masturbation practice and to your relationship. The new sensations and possibilities offered by sex toys can amaze, surprise and excite you–effectively increasing your libido. Give one to your couple to try together!
🌈 On our shop, we have selected different sex toys for you to discover alone or as a couple. Vaginal, clitoral, anal pleasure: there is something for all tastes and all fantasies!