When the desire is very small

The very first reason for consultations in sexology is none other than the drop in libido, the drop in desire which affects between 35 and 52% of women. Surrounded by injunctions to "3 nights a week", "you haven't done it since when?", "ah, but us, it's every day, otherwise we wouldn't love each other so much", the question of desire challenges, whether within the couple or in front of oneself

Desire

In sexology and on mia.co, a drop in libido corresponds to an absence or a significant decrease in interest in sexuality (as a whole) which lasts for 3 to 6 months , and which causes suffering, an inconvenience. Sexual fantasies, the urge to masturbate and/or to have sex are at half mast.

Start by forgetting everything you've read in the summer magazines that will basically advise you to put on some sexy underwear and try an ersatz BDSM. We start again.

She leaves, then she comes back

Even if we don't like it, because as humans, we prefer when everything is table, even comforting: the libido does not hold in place. It fluctuates according to life events, according to age, according to the cycle, according to mood, according to the context, according to well/ill-being, according to the status of the romantic relationship. In short, dissecting the causes of low libido is a real bag of knots. We will go there step by step.

Spontaneous desire, reactive desire

Desire is articulated in two ways. And again, it's not fixed. Some people will have what is called a spontaneous desire : that is to say, they actively seek sexual pleasure through the activation of stimuli, fantasy, active tension. And others, have a reactive desire : in other words, which will awaken only when we find ourselves faced with physical excitement.

We are already deconstructing the idea that the fact of not having spontaneous desire does not mean that we have no sexual attraction since we can still respond to reactive desire. You will therefore understand that in certain couples, if one has a spontaneous desire, and the other a reactive desire, it is the simplest combination. But not necessarily the ideal combination! Because we can find ourselves faced with a scenario where one complains that the other never initiates and conversely, that he or she always wants to. Ditto for two spontaneous desires. When you find yourself faced with two reactive desires, it can be more complicated, because there is more difficulty in initiating the relationship, although the attraction is there. Hop, one less knot.

Categories of causes of low desire
The categories are five in number, the causes themselves are innumerable, subjective and personal:

• Self-image (self-confidence, negative image, lack of love for the body, imagination poor in fantasy, etc.)

• Personality (difficulty letting go, propensity to avoid inconvenience, difficulty accepting and causing novelty, anxiety, depression, anguish, etc.)

• Couple problems (conflicts, misunderstandings, sexual disorder in the partner, communication, lack of emotional connection, etc.)

• Sex education (misunderstanding of the body and of pleasure, perception of sex as “dirty”, religious or cultural barriers, myths and prejudices around pleasure, etc.)

• Life events (age, pregnancy, postpartum, conflicts in the couple, financial and social situation, illness) and the context (fatigue, mental load, etc.)

How to find it, how to fix it
If you suffer from a drop in desire, if you have the urge to crave, if you have a dormant desire that you would like to awaken, the first rule is to do it for yourself, and not by external constraint, pressure, or within the couple: it's up to you to take the step to move forward in the direction that suits you.

Then, as you have seen, the causes are numerous and that is why there are three reflexes to put in place (we will probably go further in another article):

• Ask yourself questions to understand yourself better (Since when? Has there been a major event in my life? Is the desire lacking only for shared sex? Is it related to your partner or in general did you take pleasure before during intercourse? is it a pain)

• Take care of yourself. It may seem silly or cliché, but it's real advice and a real need for your mental balance first, then sexual. Listen to yourself, listen to your body. Do you have any physical activity? How is your food balance? Your sleep? Do you smoke, drink too much? Are you anxious? Do you have time left for yourself, space to desire?

• Once this personal journey has been completed, whether alone and/or as a couple to deal with the subject from A to Z, do not hesitate to consult a sexologist. They are professionals who will be able to help you sort through all this to find the cause, and when we find the cause, we can find solutions. You will not be judged, you will be listened to. And for that, it's happening in town, or on mia.co.