First time: how to make love well
You are about to experience your first time . One question keeps going round and round: how to make love well? Between stress, excitement, desire and love, you need to reassure yourself on this subject that you don't necessarily dare to talk about around you: it's normal 🫶. This article is here for you. More than an e-concept store dedicated to intimacy, Gapianne specializes in teaching about sexuality. We are here to support you and answer your questions. Together, we will list 12 tips to make your first time go as well as possible.
Summary
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What you need to remember
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How do I know if I'm ready to have sex?
Before we talk specifically about the first time and our advice to make it go as smoothly as possible, let's take the time to talk about the before. Those moments when you may be wondering if you're ready to make love for the first time . To do this, here are the green lights that can tell you whether you're ready or not.
First of all 🫶
Before anything else, any advice, any discussion, it seems important to us to set out these first four points here:
- There is no age limit for having sex for the first time: while many people experience their first time at 15-16, there is no harm in waiting longer. The age at which you have your first time will not have an impact on your life, your future sexual relationships or your future romantic relationships;
- You don't have to have sex: Nothing and no one should force you to have sex. If you don't want to have sex (for personal, religious, cultural reasons, or because you don't feel like it), you don't have to force yourself. Ever.
- Sexual intercourse is not only vaginal penetration: yes, let's say the terms. Fellatio, cunnilingus, digital penetration are forms of sexual practices. They can be first steps to vaginal penetration or constitute sexual intercourse in themselves. In a couple, sexuality gradually takes shape according to the appetites and desires of each: it is essential to listen to each other and to communicate.
- Masturbation and porn are often the first windows that give a glimpse of the sexual act between two people. However, it is essential to remember that they do not represent what a sexual relationship between two people is, which is above all a sharing and an exchange.
💚 You want it
First green light that can tell you that you are ready to make love: you want it . When you are with this person, when you are together, when you kiss, you feel that you want it. It is an indication that your body gives you but it is already a good indication.
💚 A healthy relationship
Second green light: the relationship that unites you with this person is healthy. You feel good, you can talk openly, you can express your fears, your desires, your wishes. Making love is first and foremost a moment of sharing with a person you love. Being confident with this person is essential for everything to go well.
✋ If you don't feel 100% comfortable with the person, it's a big black mark and it should put you on alert. Of course, the first person you make love with won't necessarily be the person you end your days with, but it's essential that you can trust them to enjoy 100% of this experience that will inevitably mark you for a long time.
💚 A (roughly) healthy relationship with your body
The third green light that can tell you that you are ready to make love is the relationship you have with your body. The more comfortable you are with your body, the more enjoyable this experience will be for you and the more you will be able to fully enjoy it.
🙌 Hey! It's quite normal to have complexes and it's not what should prevent you from having sex! Your complexes will fade away with time, don't panic!
💚 A necessary step back
And fourth and final green light: you are able to take a step back from living this new experience. Making love for the first time is, of course, a step, but it is only a first time, precisely. Not betting everything on this first time is essential to enjoy it to the fullest, without pressure, with confidence, without (too much) worry.
16 Essential Tips for Making Love for the First Time and Making It a Success
Let's talk! Let's get down to business. Here are, in concrete terms, 16 tips for making love well the first time (and the following ones!).
PREPARE YOURSELF MENTALLY
1. Discuss it with your partner
Are you planning to have sex with your partner for the first time? The first thing to do is to approach the subject together to find out if he/she also wants it, if he/she has any apprehensions, if it is also his/her first time or not.
It is possible that you already have this information in your possession: after all, you may have been close for a few days/weeks/months and we may be led to address these questions naturally. If this is the case, it is great, it means that you trust your partner enough to discuss these subjects without taboos. It is very positive!
If this is not yet the case, it may simply be because you are not comfortable with these questions (many of us have reservations about these subjects, this is normal) and/or you have not had the opportunity to address these questions.
Uh ok, but how do we approach this subject?
To approach the subject with your partner, our first advice would be to do it in a moment of intimacy but NOT in a moment of extreme closeness–in other words, not at the moment when you are kissing ++. Indeed, in this setting, the other person could feel forced to say “yes” by having the impression that he has no choice. Prefer to start this conversation at a less “hot” moment.
To start this conversation, some people opt for a serious discussion, others prefer humor. It's up to you to see what suits you best and what won't stress your partner out too much depending on the relationship you share. A simple "Would you like to go further?" or "I'd like to go further but I'm afraid of X or Y " can be enough to start this conversation gently.
✋ Talking to your partner about this is not convincing or forcing them ! If your partner does not want to go any further at the moment for reasons that are their own (stress, religion, culture, desire, etc.), you must respect their choice. It is possible that this does not suit you at all and in this case, you will have to consider ending this relationship so as not to make each other suffer. This last point naturally brings us to the second tip on this list: mutual consent.
2. Consent must be mutual
Consent in the sexual act is the fact that all the acts practiced (not only the fact of making love but also the contraception used during the act, the positions, the practices) must be consciously validated by both partners.
For a sexual relationship to go well (for the first time, but this advice is valid for all times!), it is essential that the consent of both partners is established .
This also means that if your partner is under the influence of drugs/alcohol/medication, you can assume that he/she is not able to give you conscious consent and that you should postpone cuddling until later.
3. Don't put pressure on yourself
Last piece of advice on this list on the moral level: before making love for the first time, it is essential not to put pressure on yourself. So yes, it is easy to say, less easy to do–after all, we would know it if it was enough to say to ourselves “Don’t stress” to not stress!
To help you de-stress a little:
- The important thing in sex is not the performance , it's the exchange, the caresses, listening to your partner's pleasure (and your own). If you love your partner and listen to them, everything will be fine;
- your partner is probably very stressed too!
- if it's not perfect, well... it will be an opportunity to start again ;)
PREPARE YOURSELF PHYSICALLY
4. Think about buying something to protect yourself
During penetrative sex, protecting yourself is essential to avoid sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy. The easiest protection to implement against pregnancy and STIs is the male condom (the female condom also protects but needs to be put in place before intercourse, which can be a little difficult to predict in a first-time context).
How to buy and choose condoms?
If you are a man and are about to have your first time, we recommend that you take charge of buying condoms in advance. This will allow you to check 1) that you can put it on alone at home and 2) that it is the right size. Once this is verified, keep a few in your wallet or bag.
If you are a woman, you can also, of course, buy a box of condoms. The normal size will usually be suitable and this will allow you to deal with forgetting one, cracking or wanting a second time.
🌈 If you are uncomfortable buying a box of condoms in a store, know that we offer them on Gapianne. My Lubie brand condoms are made of ultra-thin and ultra-soft latex to provide the most sensations possible, and are available in regular size. We send them to you in discreet packages - no one, except you, will know what you ordered.
5. Think about your hygiene
This will certainly seem obvious to you, but we will tell you everything without taboo in this article! Before meeting your partner again, we can only urge you to pay particular attention to your hygiene, especially your intimate hygiene.
🌈 Water is entirely sufficient to wash your intimate area, but if you want more freshness, do not wash with a shower gel or a classic soap. Instead, opt for an intimate soap with a neutral pH. The goal: avoid unbalancing your intimate flora. Our favorite? The intimate bar from the Baûbo brand . 100% natural, made in France and plastic-free, you will appreciate its soothing side and its softness.
Help! What about my hair removal?
Hairiness, and especially intimate hairiness, is a question that can worry you before your first time. Our recommendation: go as you are and as you like. If you are hairless, go as you like. If you are not, go as you like too. On the one hand, no one stops having sex because there is or is not hair. On the other hand, it is your body and your hairiness is a choice that belongs to you and only to you. And if your partner has preferences on the subject – it is true that it is possible – you will have time to discuss it later if you wish.
DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
6. You have the right to change your mind
At any time during sex, you have the right to change your mind . We mentioned this earlier, regarding consent: it must be given again at each moment of intercourse. Before, of course, but also during: changing position, trying a practice, indicating that it hurts... you have the right to say "no" and "stop", and conversely, you must listen to the other and be ready to stop if your partner expresses doubts.
If this happens, and one of you has doubts, stop what you are doing, hug, talk. Sexual intercourse is first and foremost an exchange: enjoy the time spent together.
✋ Just because you agree to have sex doesn't mean you have to accept all practices. Some people with a lot of sexual experience refuse certain practices or certain aspects of practices. For example, some people agree to give blowjobs but refuse to swallow sperm: their limit is set and it is essential to respect it.
7. Start with foreplay
Sexual intercourse is not just about the famous vaginal penetration. The latter is often "prepared" by preliminary steps, responsible for increasing desire: foreplay . This can involve caresses, digital penetration, kisses, fellatio, cunnilingus... These practices depend on what you like, what your partner likes and what you feel capable of doing or not (we repeat on occasion that you can say no at any time).
Are you afraid of feeling helpless or shy during foreplay? Be aware that most pornographic films are not good advice. We recommend that you instead watch the Instagram account Jouissance Club : its content is rather well illustrated to help you get inspiration for good foreplay.
🌈 On Gapianne, we offer you the book proposed by Jouissance Club: A map of pleasure . With superb illustrations, it explains the best gestures to apply and discover for nice moments, alone or as a couple.
8. Don’t stay silent, communicate!
Do you have doubts about what you are doing? Do you like what your partner is doing to you? Would you like to try something else? Ask. With embarrassment and stress, it can be quite natural to lock yourself in silence, but this risks increasing your stress even more. The more you exchange, laugh, communicate, the more you will be able to please the other and please yourself.
Are you afraid that your chatter will ruin the moment? Sex for two is sometimes moments of discussion, sometimes wilder moments where breathing and movements match, sometimes moments of declaration, sometimes just fits of laughter that prevent you from continuing... depending on the relationship you share with your partner, don't be afraid to talk, to question, to try!
🌈 On Gapianne, we also offer you the game Discultons . If we do not recommend it for your first moments of sexual discovery, this game is interesting as part of the development of your sexuality with your partner. It is an opportunity to discuss your fantasies, the practices that you like, the tests that you want to do. This game allows you to start the discussion if you do not know how to go about it!
9. Protect yourself at the right time
It is not necessary to put on the condom from the beginning of foreplay. To prevent sexually transmitted diseases, it is necessary when there is penetration, oral, vaginal, anal. To prevent pregnancy, it is necessary for vaginal penetration.
Also, you can definitely enjoy a moment of exchanges and cuddles before putting on the condom and only put it on at the moment of penetration. This will also be easier because the erection should be hard enough at that moment to facilitate the application of the condom.
Help! I'm afraid I'll lose my erection when I put on a condom
Putting on a condom can actually make your erection go down again – or you may have trouble putting on a condom because of your fickle erection. Just start cuddling, kissing, and caressing again. They will reactivate your erection.****
✋ Stress and fatigue contribute greatly to blocking an erection or preventing a hard erection (the famous semi-soft). It is totally possible to put on a condom and have vaginal penetration with a semi-soft one–some positions allow it, like missionary. If you can't get an erection, whatever it is, continue cuddling and don't hesitate to try other things. You can satisfy your partner with your fingers, with your mouth and with caresses. Erection should not be a goal in itself: thinking about your partner's pleasure above all is essential to succeeding in your first time–and it is very possible that your erection will come when you see her enjoying your caresses!
10. Make penetration easier with a lubricant
Contrary to popular belief, vaginal penetration does not have to be painful the first time. Foreplay generally helps to naturally lubricate your vagina, allowing for vaginal penetration. If vaginal penetration is done gently while you are relaxed, it is very possible that you will not feel any pain and that there will be no bleeding. Not all women have a hymen, and it can be very flexible and simply bend under the effect of penetration.
That being said, vaginal lubrication is a natural process that is encouraged by arousal but it can be hindered by different aspects, stress in particular. If penetration hurts, the trick would be to use a lubricant. The lubricant will compensate for the lack of natural lubrication.
🌈 On Gapianne, we have selected for you the water-based lubricant from the My Lubie brand. Compatible with the use of condoms, it has the advantage of being hypoallergenic and unscented. In addition to being moisturizing and soothing, it will not disrupt your intimate flora.
✋ Let's be 100% transparent with you: it's not easy to dare to buy a lubricant for your first time and to dare to use it. Many people have sex without lubricant: don't worry. Just know that it can be a solution if you feel intimate dryness that causes unpleasant friction.
11. Offer a comfortable position
When it comes to vaginal penetration, the most important thing is to find the position that suits you. Comfortable, reassuring, enjoyable. The missionary position is often presented as not very fun and boring, but it has three advantages: it allows you to be face to face, like in a hug, facilitates penetration, even if the erection is not complete, and can easily be adapted so as not to put too much pressure on your partner.
Once you feel comfortable in a first position, you can totally change if it pleases you and you want to. However, know that it is not necessary to chain all the positions of the Kamasutra to be "a good lay". Some sexual relations can be great with a single position, others will be pleasant with two, three changes.
12. Forget about orgasm
If orgasm is seen as the main goal of sexual intercourse, it is essential not to focus on it. The more you think about it, the more:
- You risk being selfish and thinking only of yourself: thinking only of your own pleasure is certainly the worst thing you can do in terms of sexual relations!
- You may not be able to reach orgasm: the more you wonder if you will reach orgasm, the more you will put thought into something that… does not really require thought. Think about your sensations, focus on what you feel in the present moment.
- You may reach orgasm too quickly: Conversely, thinking about orgasm may tend to make you spin and push you to orgasm too quickly.
Help! I'm afraid I'm precocious
Are you afraid that the excitement will take you by surprise and make you ejaculate "too" quickly? Two things here to ease your uncertainties. On the one hand, your partner will not hold it against you if during your first time you cannot contain yourself - especially if you do not forget it and give him pleasure in other ways, with caresses, cuddles, other penetration. On the other hand, there are several tips and solutions to hold back and last longer: experience and repetition will help you know what works for you. Finally, it is possible that if you have several intercourses, you will be able to hold out better the second time... so do not hesitate to start again when you feel ready. ;)
AFTER SEX
13. Remember to go to the bathroom and clean yourself
💡 Did you know? It is extremely common to get urinary tract infections when you have sex (the first time but also if you change partners). To limit infections, it is important to go to the toilet and urinate after sex. This prevents the proliferation of bacteria that may have come into contact with your system during sex. This is even more the case for people with a vulva, the urethra being extremely close to the vagina, but people with a penis can also be affected.
14. Discuss the experience
It can be quite difficult to naturally debrief the experience you have just had. It is normal to have reservations, embarrassment and fears at the idea of talking about it. However, it is essential because it is what will allow you to understand your partner's expectations, to formulate your own desires and to feel more comfortable the next time. A simple "I liked that", "I preferred this" or even "I would like to try that again" will be enough to guide your partner. It is not necessary to share all your fantasies the first time if you are embarrassed, but start slowly. As you gain confidence, you will be able to try new things and please yourselves together.
15. What if it went wrong?
Let's start by breaking down prejudices: it's not because there is no orgasm for one or both partners that the sexual relationship went badly. The only sexual relationship that can be said to go badly is a relationship where consent is not respected.
A relationship where there is no erection, where ejaculation is premature or where one of the two partners has felt pain forcing them to stop everything is not a relationship that has gone badly, as long as the exchange has been continuous and both partners have been able to talk and reassure each other.
If the relationship didn't go as you hoped, talk about it with your partner. Apologize if you feel like you handled something badly, ask your partner how they feel. On the one hand, you will certainly realize that everything is fine on their side. On the other hand, this will prevent your doubts and worries from affecting your future relationships: unspoken things can create complexes.
Help! My first relationship was painful
If your first sexual encounter was painful, this could be due to many reasons, as a man or a woman. Stress generally causes muscle contractions and reactions (lack of lubrication, weak erection) that can be painful before and during penetration. Pain during the first intercourse does not necessarily indicate a medical problem. However, if it reoccurs during new relationships, it may be necessary to find solutions, in particular by contacting your GP.
16. Start again!
Experience is the best teacher. To improve your sexual practice, there is nothing better than starting over, again and again – at the pace that suits you and your partner, of course! The first time is a passage but it is in no way representative of what your sexuality will be throughout your life. Start over, innovate, discuss, have fun: that is also and above all what sex is.
Questions / Answers
You are about to make love for the first time and you still have questions that you do not dare to ask your loved ones or friends. We have gathered here a set of questions that you ask us discreetly on our chat 💬. Do not hesitate to ask us other questions, we will answer you as best we can and we will regularly update this FAQ.
Is it normal to feel nervous?
Yes. Making love is a moment of sharing, of being naked, of great vulnerability. It is normal to feel nervous when experiencing it for the first time (and not only: many of us feel nervous when we experience it for the first time with another partner). This is why it is essential to feel confident with your partner: this will allow you to move forward at your own pace and to be reassured.
What to do if something doesn't go as planned?
You're in pain, you change your mind, you can't maintain your erection, your vagina isn't lubricated enough, you forgot your condoms... let's be honest: the chances of something not going as planned are high! We can't tell you this enough , but life is not porn! So yes, things that won't go as planned will happen.
There is no magic phrase that will work every time, but the right answer will necessarily be found in these three ingredients: respect for others, love and discussion . In other words: we don't make fun of each other, we reassure each other, we take a break (pain, little lubrication, no erection, etc.), we take the time to understand and if necessary, we start again another day - it's not a race and stress can be a real obstacle to a first time!
How to manage pain or discomfort?
If you are in pain or discomfort (bad position, difficulty breathing, weight of the other), it is essential that you feel confident enough to tell your partner . Having pain during sex can happen , it is not necessarily serious and it is not necessarily likely to happen again. The important thing is to be able to talk about it and that is why we insist on the relationship of trust that you should share with your partner.
What is the best way to protect yourself against STIs?
The best way to protect yourself against sexually transmitted infections (including AIDS) and unwanted pregnancy is the male condom. It is the safest, cheapest and easiest to implement.
Is it normal to not reach orgasm the first time?
It's hard to talk about normality when it comes to sexuality, so when we talk about the first time... While some people need to be completely confident and know their body perfectly to reach orgasm, others reach it without difficulty quickly. That's why it's neither normal to reach orgasm the first time nor normal to not wait for it. It will depend on you, your body and your partner.
Will I bleed during intercourse?
Not necessarily. When you ask this question, you are certainly referring to the rupture of the hymen of young virgin women during their first time. Except that this is a myth widely repeated to lock down women's sexuality and largely false. Indeed, many women do not have a hymen or have a softened hymen, which does not rupture during vaginal penetration. Certain sports practices can be able to soften the hymen, such as horse riding and gymnastics, but this is also the case for masturbation.
What should I do if I feel pressure from my partner?
Your partner has the right to talk to you about their desire and their desire to make love with you. On your side, you have the right to delay or refuse. The problem arises when the demands become too pressing or when they turn into threats and blackmail: “if we don’t make love, I’ll leave you”. It is normal to consider giving in to such threats – you love your partner after all – but we can only recommend that you do not do it. Indeed, someone who puts their desire before your own desires and feelings is not 100% healthy for you. The risk is that you will regret, in the long run, having shared this moment with this person. Our recommendation is this: listen to yourself no matter what. However, we are aware that this is a difficult position to hold and do not blame yourself if you give in.
How can I improve my self-confidence before the first time?
Improving your self-confidence and your body confidence before the first time should not be your goal. You risk blocking yourself and putting the sexual relationship on a pedestal that it does not deserve. Improving your self-confidence and improving the way you look at your body is essential for your well-being, for your happiness, for your life. Not only with a view to having a first sexual relationship. Indeed, if your partner loves you with your wavering self-confidence, he/she will know how to listen to you, reassure you, be there for you during this moment.
Does everyone feel nervous before their first time?
It’s always hard to put yourself in “everyone else’s” shoes. There are certainly people who aren’t nervous, worried, or stressed: after all, we don’t all put the same meaning behind the first time. For some people, the first time has nothing symbolic! But the fact remains that many of us have felt worried before our first time, and so there’s no reason to feel guilty. It’s normal to be tense, it’s normal to be stressed. At the risk of repeating ourselves, the most important thing is to feel confident with the person you’re going to have your first time with—from there, everything will be fine.
Making love for the first time is both an exciting and intimidating moment, and it's completely normal to have a thousand questions about it. The most important thing to remember is that making love well is not about performance, but about respect, communication and listening to each other. It is an intimate experience that should be lived at your own pace, without pressure, listening to your desires and those of your partner. Take the time to prepare yourself, mentally and physically, so that this moment is as comfortable as possible. And above all, remember that each first time is unique, and that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience it. The main thing is to feel comfortable and confident in exploring this new facet of your intimacy.
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