First time: received ideas

In our first chapter on myths in sexuality, we discussed how to deconstruct the idea that making love necessarily rhymes with "penetration". Today, in this second chapter of Pluriel.les, our documentary of intimate interviews with women, it is a question of evoking the received ideas about the first time .

Many questions, apprehensions and myths remain around this stage often considered an important stage in life. In these testimonials, women from various backgrounds simply recount their preconceptions, their disappointments, their doubts, or their discoveries on the subject. Let's start from their comments to think about some tips to better understand your first time.

1) - What is the first time?

2) At what age should you make love for the first time?

3) How to succeed on your first time? Go beyond the injunctions to technique and performance.

“The first time was when this guy in Arcachon held my hand and we just spent a night with each other. It was a huge sharing of intimacy at 14, and it was actually a first time. ”

1) What is the first time?

First of all, in the continuity of the first episode, one could question the fact of referring to "the first time" as the first time when there is penetration of the vagina by a penis. When we were teenagers, we only heard the heteronormative vision which implies that the act takes place between a man and a woman, and by "act" we meant "coitus".

Indeed, historically and in the collective imagination, losing one's virginity is characterized by the rupture of the hymen , pierced during the first penetration of a woman by a man. This idea still remains symbolically strong and important in certain cultures and religions. Some cultures punish young girls for having sex outside of marriage. Virginity certificates are sometimes requested to verify that the hymen is intact before marriage. But not only can the hymen be torn by many other activities (horse riding, gym, sport) but it is also possible that the hymen does not break during his first sexual intercourse. Many women today separate love from the sexual act, and marriage from the first time. This then happens freely with the partner of their choice, without any promise of a relationship afterwards!

But what if the first time didn't revolve around penetration ? As author and designer June Pla reminds us in her super book A Carthography of Pleasure , coitus could be an option and not a goal, and the "first time" would really be the first time you begin physical intercourse and/or emotional in search of pleasure. Yours and your partner's.

"My first time was an emotional first time" "I have a first time in mind, which was not the first time I did something with a girl, but the first time I lived the moment, that I felt present, at ease, confident".

2) At what age should you make love for the first time?

" That's it, I'll be able to say that I did it " " My first time, I was 20 years old so I was very complexed by all that. We had to schem to act either as if we knew very well, or tell the truth with a little shame."

Since the sexual revolution , in our societies, we observe a phenomenon that tends to put pressure on being a virgin. From a certain age, you have to justify yourself. New injunctions that can also be deconstructed , the right age for your first time is when you simply want it! And whoever you want. Obviously, everyone has their own pace, don't force yourself, discover yourself as you like, be able to say no, and explore when you're ready!

An advice ? You can also explore and learn to discover your body and your pleasure yourself through masturbation. Julia Pietri, in her "little guide to female masturbation" describes it as a relationship with "ourself", an art, a crazy love affair with oneself. That too is a first time :)

3) How to succeed on your first time? Go beyond the injunctions to technique and performance.

“The first time was too early, too bad” The first times often come with a lot of pressure, pressure to do it and pressure to perform. In her article in the World Sexuality : the stakes of the first time, Maïa Mazaurette speaks of this injunction to “ensure”. But what does insuring mean?

Reproducing simple technical prowess risks being disappointing, because the clichés conveyed of a successful act as well as the images taken from porn will not often lead you to pleasure. Many fantasies and standards of beauty are built under the prism of male pleasure, so forget the tucked-in belly, the choppy hair, the overlapping curve of the kidneys... and focus on your sensations, and those of your partner. A good first time is not a particular position or action, but an exchange, a physical connection, listening to your pleasure and the pleasure of the other.

Also, there can be a deceptive effect the first time if you focus on the idea of ​​having an orgasm at all costs. Do not look for enjoyment in itself, it is by taming desire and pleasure that it may come.

From these authentic and touching testimonials, let's remember that the best way to live well your first time is:

1) To really want to do it yourself and not to do it to please someone

2) To know your body and inform you without shame

3) To say stop when it hurts, it's not normal!

4) Explore at your own pace by communicating honestly and caringly with your partner;

5) You can refer to the 7 pillars of fulfilling sexuality that we have already mentioned in our article on the first chapter of plural.le.s